Not every story has a happy ending...yet

On the biannual process that is my own writing, I decided to add another entry to my eternal thought stream.  I have been processing the past school year, events, trials and joys with the amount of free time that I have been afforded as a teacher. My "down time" is usually needed and to be honest, I enjoy more mindless activities when I am not working. I am always looking for a new show to catch up on, a way to organize my apartment, what types of physical activities I can improve in, etc. But to be honest, these are all meaningless in the grand scheme of things. They are distractions and ways to spend the currency of time.  When I die, I don't think anyone will care that I successfully watched every episode of Law & Order 16 times over or that my CD's and pictures are alphabetized. So when my relaxing catches up with me and I start to feel anxious, I get restless, seek excitement, make poor choices and generally get down on myself. This is usually when I find the most conflict with my husband, the most unhappiness with my physical appearance, the most sadness in my reflection. I struggle with being proactive, seeking out meaningful activities or finding inspiration and motivation on my own.

So as I was fighting these ridiculous feelings today, I was reminded about an author that I have grown to love, Donald Miller. He has the most honest, unapologetic view of what it means to be a Christian that I have ever encountered. He is blunt, witty and undoubtedly faithful to his Christian beliefs.  If I ever get the chance to just have coffee with the guy, I'll probably faint from excitement. I have been intrigued by his ongoing study of "story".  He talks about how life is broken down to this: somebody wants something and has to overcome conflict to get it.  That is the basis of every story that is out there. Think about any movie you love, any book you reread over and over, any friend that entertains you and those are the common factors.  This plunged me into deep reflection over the story of someone that I lost last year.

A couple weeks ago, I traveled to St. Louis with my aunt to begin the process of cleaning out my mom's house. I knew her to be well endowed in clothes and material objects but I did not know what the status of her stuff was since I last lived with her (10 years ago).  When my aunt and I started to clean out her closets, we found unthinkable amounts of items. There were 4 closets FULL of clothes, jewelry, new items with tags still on, an entire closet of outdated clothes, mountains of purses full of pens and receipts. The more we dug, the more we found. While cleaning out her vanity, dresser and desk, I became disgusted with the amount of things she hoarded, kept close and hid from us. I got angry, frustrated and bitter towards my dead mother. This was what she left behind; mountains of stuff. This was her life's resolution, her legacy, what would be ingrained in my head for all time. This was her "parting gift" to me.  I started to imagine that it was her final revenge for any wrong I ever did to her.

I grieved the life she could have had, the castle she could have built, the lives she could have touched. I couldn't believe that her story ended with no peaceful resolution. The many relationships that she never fixed. The pain that she never apologized for, the message she never got to say. But then again, I had in my head that the climax to her story was already done. That when her "movie" rolled the credits, that was it. I know that not to be the case now. I listened to a sermon by Donald Miller and he explained that our idea of the linear life is incorrect and that our story's resolution is not seen on this earth.  Our climax and resolution is at the wedding feast in heaven. I know that she made many mistakes, she hurt those around her, she left behind a selfish amount of stuff that she could not take with her, that now many of us had to deal with. But I also forgave her for that. I know that the climax to her story is her reunion with her Father in Heaven, that she can be seen through Christ now instead of her faults. That she is redeemed despite her mistakes.

This cast a light into my own life story. I realize now that the formula that society casts onto each and every person does not fit. I don't know that I am supposed to have a neat little life with a neat little story that is quiet, contained and simple. My family was not simple, they were not typical, they were not easy or comfortable. My childhood did not contain security, comfort, tradition or a lot of happiness. But it is my story. I am supposed to do something with what I've been given, I am supposed to face each conflict head on until I get to my climax and resolution in heaven. That may mean that I have a lot more pain and suffering in my future. I might have a difficult time having children, I might face a terminal illness, I might experience pain in relationships, I might lose everything in a tragic accident, I might have to attend A LOT more funerals. I found fear in this train of thought not too long ago, but now that I realize that my story - somebody who wants something and has to overcome conflict to get it - is going to be an interesting one. I want my timeline and life to leave behind something interesting and sustaining, not boring. No mountains of stuff or castles or boring, lame experiences. I want to face my skills and talents head on and use them. I'm not going to sit around for the sky to open and God to force my cat to speak life's meaning to me. I know what it is.

He (God) taught me right from wrong, what he did for me on the cross, how to love others, how to have a relationship with him and what my skills are.  But now I need to DO SOMETHING. I need to figure out what is something worth value that I want to do and pursue it. Teaching is something that I am fulfilled in, good at and passionate about, but I want to unpack that more. I want to broaden my expertise and knowledge in that field with more than the formulaic model. I want it to have a good story. This journey of depth in my life is far from understood, but that's the beauty of it being a good story...it doesn't have to be over yet.

Choosing Joy

Today as I spent more time relaxing during my extended Christmas break, I began to work on my school unit of journal writing.  Ask I perused over my lesson plans and attempted to find adequate examples, I came across some of my old writings.  The most recent in September was of course very depressing.  It was written on the coattails of another blow in 2013.  But this entry is not like that one.  This is an entry of hope.

I have struggled on and off with situational depression over the years.  I go through a slump, decide to retreat into my own head and generally think the world is a dark and dreary place.  This Christmas was no different. I regularly look at what I don't have, what others might think and how I'm different. This is a spiral that I don't normally come out of.  It wasn't until yesterday that I identified my own power in my feelings.  Yesterday I looked to God inside of my emotions and found joy.

It was quite the miraculous moment and very undramatic but it was significant.  I have been neglecting the one all true powerful way to find meaning in life.  And it does not depend on other people.  It is solely my relationship with God.  When I am apart from my Him, my life is a whirlwind of doubt and depression.  I have often found that when I am giving in relationships I often leave feeling drained.  This applies to my job, my marriage, my friendships, etc.  I have wondered where I was supposed to get filled in order to keep going.  Duh! My God is my "filling station".

This is of course obvious, simple and completely unoriginal but it was a profound moment for me.  I am ever so thankful for a God who loves and pursues me.  I am so indebted for all my enormous blessings that I don't deserve.  I am 100% forgiven and restored in him.  I have eternity to look forward to and an earthly life to learn to love God even more.

1 Peter 5:6-7  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.