Climbing

So I've been thinking, how are people supposed to be happy?  I mean logistically, the society we live in is built upon achievement and not contentment.  We climb the grade levels through school, get bachelor's degrees, master's degrees and for the insane, doctorates.  But what about after we achieve?  We have video games that we play until we beat all the levels, then they collect dust on our shelves.  The whole point of reading is to get through the whole book right?  We take tests and get scores.  What do we do with them?  We climb the ranks of employment positions.  What happens when you become the CEO? Then what?  Move onto a bigger company and do the same thing?  Many say, "there's always a bigger fish to fry."  I would beg to differ.  One of these days, you're going to fry a blue whale, then you're screwed.  That's what we call, "the end of the road." The comedian Lewis Black commented in his Carnegie Hall Performance that now that he had played that venue, he doesn't know where to go from there.  His punch line was crude and inappropriate (albeit hilarious) but he had a point.  Anywhere else he played from that point on, would be a step down.

It's no wonder that when we achieve, we start a cycle of repeating.  It's pretty insane actually.  Routines are signs of losing it.  I once heard this definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.  You can't find something else to achieve so all you are left with is repetition.  I've had several friends who have bought the entire series of TV shows.  Smallville, Sex & the City, Friends (guilty), Gilmore Girls, How I Met Your Mother (again, guilty), etc.  Problem with this is that once you watch them all the way through, then what do you do with them?  Most echo the lifestyle of the completed video game.

Here's my theory: I don't think contentment is achievable.  I don't think it exists.  I think we are so corrupt as a human race, that our only manner of living is consumerism.  Now this is not just monetary, but all manners of the word.  I quote my friend Mr. Smith:

"I'd like to share a revelation I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with their surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and you multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we … are the cure."

As pop culture and pseudo-philosophical as this movie is, it speaks the truth.  I can't see it any other way.  Think about the good things in human kind.  Social Services for example, are designed to help people live, achieve and succeed; aka CONSUME.  Our most philanthropic of duties is to make other people just as discontent as the rest of us.  It's no wonder we are a pleasure seeking society.  All good works are said to be selfish.  I would go a step further and say that all good works are destructive.  Now, it is the lesser of the two evils.  To have a world where each person lives for their own survival and none other is far worse.  The human race would cease to exist.  Plus, living in the way we do does bring occasional happiness and enjoyment to the string of achievements.   I think the other animals of this planet are all holding onto some secret though.  They are content just to survive.  To eat, sleep, play and die. Never the need for anything else.  How often do you hear someone envy the life of a lazy cat or a two year old?  They have no other ambition than to be just as they are.  Their bodily needs being satisfied is enough.

You know what the truth is, we're all autistic.  Constant need for stimulation.  We're all obsessed with sensory things.  We can't exist without being reminded that we exist.  We all need to feel "alive"?  Is there something missing from breathing that makes this so difficult?  I'm pretty sure if my heart stopped beating, I wouldn't feel alive anymore.  Emotional life isn't as big of a deal as we make it.  We can feel alive, even happy for a time, if we remember that it's a miracle that we're here.  The sheer chances of us being conceived are astronomical, yet it keeps happening.  Thousands of babies are born a day.  Thousands are being conceived daily (chew on that disturbing thought for a while).  We exist.  Instead of asking the dirtiest question there is (why am I here?) why don't we focus on thankfulness?  I'm glad I'm alive, because you know what? I don't know any different. I don't want to know the opposite of that scenario yet, I'm ok breathing and walking around as a miracle.  I'm even ok with consuming, but I won't consume myself with seeking for contentment.  I'll just keep breathing.

Learning

I'm doing this everyday. Whether I want to or not.  I am learning.  I hear a new song on the radio, I come across an unfamiliar policy at work, I laugh at a new joke, I read a chapter in a text book.  I'm always learning.  I can't stop it.  I've tried.  Even when I turn on T.V. to numb myself to active thinking, I learn my limits in boredom.  There is too much to be consumed with.  Too many exhilarating subjects.  There's always a new movie, new novel series, new line of clothing or tech gadget.  I'm overwhelmed with what I think I should know, what I have or what I should read.  I have heard it said that it would take 200+ years to read everything posted on the internet and here am I contributing.  That's just the internet!  What about the printed word?  So is it best to explore as much as possible? Mile wide & and an inch deep kind of thing.  Or is it better to be a master of subject?  To know all there is, say, about the different kinds of carpet.  That could be quite a task. Shag, plush, loop, high & low traffic.  I can't decide which is better.  I hear Carpe Diem! and at the same time...stop and smell the roses.  So the moral of the story is to seize as many opportunities as you can and study each one thoroughly.

Well that's just exhausting.

I want to be good at things.  Maybe even cliche things.  Like biking, history, scrapbooking or being skinny.  I want to be interested in things too.  I wish I cared enough about politics, but I don't see the merit.  I wish I had the discipline to learn the piano. You know for more than a day or so.  I could be more ambitious than I am.  I could be out in the world, meeting people, advocating for social change, risking comfort for experience, but I don't.  And why? Because I'm lethargic.  Its a illness really.  Diagnosed as a teenager, it has plagued me for many years.  The perpetual drama that fills my life sucks out any desire for experience.  I'd rather watch others encounter that which we call life than do it myself, its much more entertaining that way.  Maybe this is why I am eager to be a teacher.  I pine for daily personal conversations and discussions, even if its with thirty 9 year olds.  But more than anything that I have desired in my life, I want to be a good at this one thing: teaching.  I want to master this subject of instruction.  I want to influence.  It is quite egotistical, I admit.  Who am I to believe that I have any good merit to pass onto others?  I am corrupt, to be sure.  I cheat, lie, steal and think myself better than others. I do, trust me.  So why do I want to teach others to do what I do?  Good question.  I want to teach them to be better.  I want to teach the coming generations that there is redemption in corruption.  I want to show my brokenness and my salvation.  I want to learn in front of them.

If God would grant me this one blessing: I would ask to be useful. To contribute is to have meaning in my mind.  To take ownership of your existence, to be purposeful and human.  Sure I daydream of lottery winnings and long vacations to ridiculous places.  But a life of gluttony is unsatisfying and against our nature.  I want to exhaust myself into purpose.

So as I keep learning, this is what I want...

The best word that someone could write on my grave when I go is legacy.