Learning

I'm doing this everyday. Whether I want to or not.  I am learning.  I hear a new song on the radio, I come across an unfamiliar policy at work, I laugh at a new joke, I read a chapter in a text book.  I'm always learning.  I can't stop it.  I've tried.  Even when I turn on T.V. to numb myself to active thinking, I learn my limits in boredom.  There is too much to be consumed with.  Too many exhilarating subjects.  There's always a new movie, new novel series, new line of clothing or tech gadget.  I'm overwhelmed with what I think I should know, what I have or what I should read.  I have heard it said that it would take 200+ years to read everything posted on the internet and here am I contributing.  That's just the internet!  What about the printed word?  So is it best to explore as much as possible? Mile wide & and an inch deep kind of thing.  Or is it better to be a master of subject?  To know all there is, say, about the different kinds of carpet.  That could be quite a task. Shag, plush, loop, high & low traffic.  I can't decide which is better.  I hear Carpe Diem! and at the same time...stop and smell the roses.  So the moral of the story is to seize as many opportunities as you can and study each one thoroughly.

Well that's just exhausting.

I want to be good at things.  Maybe even cliche things.  Like biking, history, scrapbooking or being skinny.  I want to be interested in things too.  I wish I cared enough about politics, but I don't see the merit.  I wish I had the discipline to learn the piano. You know for more than a day or so.  I could be more ambitious than I am.  I could be out in the world, meeting people, advocating for social change, risking comfort for experience, but I don't.  And why? Because I'm lethargic.  Its a illness really.  Diagnosed as a teenager, it has plagued me for many years.  The perpetual drama that fills my life sucks out any desire for experience.  I'd rather watch others encounter that which we call life than do it myself, its much more entertaining that way.  Maybe this is why I am eager to be a teacher.  I pine for daily personal conversations and discussions, even if its with thirty 9 year olds.  But more than anything that I have desired in my life, I want to be a good at this one thing: teaching.  I want to master this subject of instruction.  I want to influence.  It is quite egotistical, I admit.  Who am I to believe that I have any good merit to pass onto others?  I am corrupt, to be sure.  I cheat, lie, steal and think myself better than others. I do, trust me.  So why do I want to teach others to do what I do?  Good question.  I want to teach them to be better.  I want to teach the coming generations that there is redemption in corruption.  I want to show my brokenness and my salvation.  I want to learn in front of them.

If God would grant me this one blessing: I would ask to be useful. To contribute is to have meaning in my mind.  To take ownership of your existence, to be purposeful and human.  Sure I daydream of lottery winnings and long vacations to ridiculous places.  But a life of gluttony is unsatisfying and against our nature.  I want to exhaust myself into purpose.

So as I keep learning, this is what I want...

The best word that someone could write on my grave when I go is legacy.