I just had an epiphany. I am a teacher. Now, this isn't new news. It's no secret that I am passionate and excited about filling young minds with knowledge. I stand in front of 31 5th graders talking about "The 3 R's" of recycling and I get a high that heroine could not contend with. But until a couple of weeks ago, this reality eluded me. Allow me to elaborate: I was helping my cooperating teacher with Math Centers and I ran one about telling time. Now in the middle of giving the instructions, a thought came over me. "These kids will tell time for the rest of their lives. I get to be the one that teaches them this." Crap, now I'm screwed. Privilege is a funny thing that way. It's earned responsibility. So I'm freaked. It's no secret that I fail; more often than admitted. I do try my very best everyday. Even so, when I try, I expect perfection...to no avail. After all, I have had over 12 months of theory instruction right? I should be a pro by now. Hogwash. I suck. I get up there and fake my way through most of it. Now don't get me wrong. I buy into common responses to this. Such as the phrase, "fake it til you make it". This is pretty stupid if you think about it. Pretend like you know what you're doing until you feel comfortable lying about it. Great. But, unfortunately, it's true. And I do it, a lot.
Now I have had several people express their support for me in this. "You'll be a great teacher!" "You're really gifted in this." "I know you'll be great!" Sorry to say it, but again, hogwash. No one knows. Least of all me. We say these phrases in the same spirit that we tell people that it's going to be ok. There is no way for anyone to know that. What if I die from a freak napalm accident? Then what? Eat. Your. Words. Now I don't want to sound like a jerk so let me say I still appreciate the sentiment. So, as I was saying, my head is full of theory and tools. I have been pushed out of my nest am left to actually being the teacher. Therefore, I have to reconcile "the ideal classroom" with the actual messy world. Let me tell ya, they go together like brown and black: tacky. So I have to relearn how to be a teacher, what works, what doesn't, what blows up in my face (aka 3 branches of government project). But, as previously posted, I said I wanted to be a learner as well as an educator. So Bekah Anne, eat your words.
On the other hand, I am quite glad that teaching is messy. Because I'm messy. I don't take to life being calm and quiet very well, I prefer the ups and downs. It makes a good story. Since I am a human being (last time I checked) I want to be the protagonist to my own story. Donald Miller is a great Spiritual author and forward thinker. He uses a philosophy about organizing your life into the elements of a story: 1. Want something. 2. Envision a climatic scene. 3. Create an Inciting Incident. I feel this is my new backbone. The new elements of my goal setting endeavors. Good job Don, you got to me. So let this be my send off. May I preach to myself to be comfortable as a learner (aka failing) and may that learning refine me to rise out the ashes and become the teacher that God has made me to be. The End...(ellipses for dramatic effect)
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