When I was 16, my father passed away from cancer. To be honest, I didn't think the man could die. I always expected a 4th quarter rally and some miraculous story. After all, I was praying every darn minute of the day for it. I was told my faith could make him well. But it didn't. So I started to doubt. Grieving took me 5 painful years without closure. Everyday expecting a phone call or a knock on the door telling me that it was some elaborate hoax. I imagined that he had to go into witness protection for the FBI or something. I still have the occasional dream about it. The truth is, he was my best friend. Shortly thereafter, my grandfather (his dad) passed away from complications of a stroke. He was in his 80's and had lived long and hard. I could make peace with him, but not someone who was 50.
My Junior year of college, my grandmother (his mother) also passed. Again, peace. But then the toll kept rising. The next year my mother's father and my great grandmother passed within weeks of each other. I understood their age and condition but couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't over. I had a few years of peace with no sad phone calls or sad news. But in 2010, that all changed.
My mother called me one evening on my way home from work to inform me that she had been diagnosed with cancer. A type that was eerily similar to my father's. I took the news hard. My mother was ferocious and vivacious. Not someone who gets sick. About a year later, she called in tears to tell me that a good friend of mine from high school was killed in a motorcycle accident. I went home, cried tears of tragedy and tried to move on. But again, it wasn't over.
Just this past year in March, my own mother passed away. She fought her cancer hard for 3 years, just like dad. But she was called home. My oldest sister reunited with her in time to make amends for the past but took the news hard. She also passed away 6 weeks later, leaving behind a husband and 5 children. My heart was crushed at the loss of 3/5 of my family before my 30th birthday. My idea of a future was suddenly turned upside down. I had no parents and I was down to 1 sister. This was not an existence I expected until much later in life.
Going through this has given me a lot to think about and not much of a sounding board to bounce off of. I have looked for safe spaces to vent, ask questions and release my thoughts. Most places are off limits as I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. But I found just the right place on Monday night.
I received a call from a dear friend of mine. His name was Brian. I went to college with him and we always got along so well. We took a trip with a group down to New Orleans to help clean up Katrina in 2006 and the rest was history. He would hang out with me during my midnight shifts at the security office. We would go out for the largest burritos in the world at El Gallo. We would often frequent the local Greek all night diner near Trinity when we were craving breakfast at 3am. What was great about Brian was that he had an amazing sense of humor and that he had been in my shoes.
He had also lost his father at a young age. In 2012, his mother also passed away. We were both without parents and we both knew how it felt. Our conversations were filled with similar sentiments about life, understanding and commiseration. It was such a comfort to hear how he was navigating his grief. It gave me great relief to know that I wasn't the only one. One of the greatest quotes he ever said to me was, "I am honored that God thinks that I can handle this much pain, but really enough is enough." We both laughed hard because we both got it. The typical Christian comfort phrases didn't make us feel better. It was being real that healed.
Today I saw on facebook that Brian had passed away in his sleep last night. With him died the one person that completely understood my grief. I hate to be selfish in this moment. I hate to think only of myself and not the countless happy moments that we shared. The truth is I'm sad. Very sad. I'm sorry to have lost such a dear friend in such circumstances. I wish I had had more time. More time to heal with him.
All I can do is read the words that Brian left me after my sister passed as they are all I can cling to now.
Bekah-
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your sister. When I got your text I was at a complete loss of what to do or say and am still unsure. I wish there was something more to do than say sorry and pray. I don't know why at times in life it feels like things are coming unraveled but I do know that through these times the Lord is present and working even if it doesn't seem like it. I find peace in knowing that you know this too. In the coming days and weeks if I can be of any help please let me know. I will be praying for you and your family. Brian Romans 8:38-39
-B
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